I am a map of
hurt and healing
scars and skin
and a beating heart
a body of memories
this is the life of me.” -nd.
The sheer silence is some people’s nourishment, while for others we are navigating our own minefields. Some have it down to science, as if a dance “to the left, take is back now, y’all. One hop this time, right foot, let’s stomp. Left foot, let’s stomp. Cha-Cha real slow” -Dj Casper. Now picture an old treasure map, crumpled up, torn and faded. A story, similar to some, made believe, to others and a nightmare you replay in your head, during those silent moments.
Parenthood comes with trial and error at times. As we watch our children grow, we ourselves are growing and learning. Yes, there may be books on parenting out there; but let’s be honest, not all children are the same! I speak from experience… My oldest, she tricked me. She wasn’t much of a crier, and she slept in her own bed unless sick or teething. She learned to walk at a VERY early age and surprised us every step along the way as she grew up. Now standing, basically eye to eye, I think back to her younger years. I learned how to be a mom through her, and yes, I’m not perfect. NO ONE IS! The only thing we may be able to say is perfect in us, is that we as parents continue to do, to love, to show up.
My second child, she’s a bit more feisty to say the least. She came along about two and a half years after Bella was born. She shook life up in all the good ways. After a miscarriage, our hearts were newly beaten. She healed them in all the ways she could. She became the hard-headed, future CEO or President. But trying to parent while healing, that’s one of the most difficult lessons I’ve ever faced. The excitement of having another daughter on the way, the fear of losing her. It was a roller coaster of emotions. But she came in “like a wrecking ball”, demolishing our fears and bringing herself a rainbow full of character. Sassy, funny, smart, strong, kind-hearted and beautiful inside and out.
But my map still lay wrinkled, there were and are still scars that are left with memories and at times nightmares. My mind would be my own worst enemy. Constantly attacking myself, whether for my looks, my lack of motivation due to exhaustion or just my people-pleasing ways. Many of my fellow readers know what I speak of. We lose ourselves, whether because of trauma, obligations or fears. As we sit in silence and think about all the conversations we had throughout the day. Then, I should have said it this way, or I hope I hadn’t upset anyone. Silence is our enemy most days. As becoming a parent, silence is not only my enemy but also a fear. If the children are quiet, they are most likely doing something or eating something they shouldn’t be.
My map grew though, as did our family with Isaac. A love not quite like the one for the girls, not anymore, but not any less. Each child has their own way of healing me, their own way of creating an island in my mind. A peaceful island of their first giggles, first steps, first “I love you mama”. Each healing a part of me that they didn’t know was broken, nor did they break it. I suppose, like Disney’s Inside Out, it’s our family island.
It’s amazing how our scars, our maps, help guide the next generation the best we can. From trial and error of our own moments. The lessons learned from each chapter of our lives. I remember hearing “you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink” or “you can give a man a fish, or you can teach him to fish”. Our maps can help guide, educate or even warn our children, but they also help protect, nurture and give while healing ourselves at the same time. They keep our beating hearts going and no matter what area of parenthood you’re at, you’re doing amazing! You’ve got this and I believe in you!
Melissas-Miles 