Posted in FAMILY TIME, griefe, Guilt, Mom life

Confessions of a crazed mother: Bedrest

Unforeseen was the commotion of a weekend she thought would go so smoothly. As she packed up her belongings, memories and cherished photos she held close to her heart the tears built up in her eyes. She worked so hard for everything in that home; as she grabbed children’s toys, articles of clothing and random items that were stored away in closests she looked at them carefully. A box lay infront of her and a trash bag beside she had to decide which memories were of importance to her and her family in the future. The trash bin outside grew like a mountain with her children’s toys that were long forgotten, clothing that hadn’t fit since before children and papers of all the writings she had scribbled down over the years.

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The walls of the home stored stories of times of joy; from the first turn of the key to the very first home to the sadness of losing loved ones and family disagreements. It was becoming a bitter moment. The memories like a tsunami took over, looking in the upstairs closet she remembered the little pitter patter of the girls feet as they ran in the large walk-in closet. How small they were when we moved in; Elleanna was but one and a half and Isabella was only four… The age Elleanna is now as the boxed tower in the living room and their bedroom.

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The next few hours were out of one’s mind. Throwing away as much as possible knowing there were but a short time before the family showed up to help pack the memories in a storage unit.. Stress running high, arguments of help overcoming the joy of what the future would be holding. As family arrived embarrassment that the house was still unready; thinking that it would be an easy task was now a laughable moment to look back on. Though the nerve-racking moments were about to come. As an overwhelming unpleasant feeling took over my body I knew something wasn’t right. After finding the unpleasant red I was rushed to the hospital by my mother and aunt in tears. Feeling the past was reliving itself the negative thoughts were clouding my mind. Hours of testing from sonograms that were unseen by my eyes due to their fear of anything being wrong to Iv’s and nurse visits all I kept asking was to know the baby was there..  I just wanted to know that; if told that the baby was there with a heartbeat I could calm a bit but they didn’t give me that satisfaction. After five hours the news that the baby was currently alright but with complications that took lifting, bending, walking much and stress out of my abilities. Do they not know me? Stress is a major portion of my life!

We headed home with my mind unable to wrap around the fact I couldn’t lift Elleanna or that I would be out of work for some time. A follow up doctors appointment was made to further inform me of my and the baby condition. Two days later I sat in the cold doctors office; my mind wondering around with questions. As the doctor opened the door with paper work in hand he was smiling. How could he be smiling this was not a moment for smiles in my opinion. He said have you been on the bed rest? Not stressing? I laughed “I’m doing it to the best of my abilities but stress under these circumstances is high.”

It was a moment of complete confusion as he said all the “doctor terms” I sat with a blank stare… “Can you repeat that in English now?” With the printed information he circled what the main concerns were. The heart rate at 157 I was just happy to know that the baby was there and that as long as I did everything. I could that it would have a better chance of less complications.

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The days went by, bored out of my mind and unable to pick up Elleanna when she cried for me broke my heart; but I knew I had to do whatever I needed for our baby. As someone usually working five to six days a week, school pick ups, grocery store trips and the busy life of a mother after work came to a halt. Unable to push a vacuum I started to feel trapped. The negativity clouding my mind I felt so alone; though with family help and Geraldo’s I still felt like no one understood my mindset.

How can I turn this bed rest into something positive? As the girls hugged my legs, my stomach and told me how much they loved me I saw the positive side. For many years I have been unable to fully be attentive to them, stressed from the busy life of work and traveling around to get the kids to and from and the items we needed for the house. This was an opportunity to read books, to watch them play in the yard and see how much they really have grown over the years. This was a time to enjoy the less hectic life I have come so accustomed to… But would I be able to?

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Posted in griefe, Uncategorized

Heaven recieved another Angel

I met a kind woman this year. Her beautiful soul radiated each time I saw her. You could see such love in her eyes and though I hardly had a chance to learn more about this angel she touched my heart. No one knows each struggle we face behind closed doors and sometimes the smallest act of kindness can give someone a better day… A bit of hope. I try to learn my coworkers names, which in my field of work is difficult. I try to smile or say hi to everyone no matter what area of work they are in. I believe a smile goes a long way!

On a particular day not more than a few months ago I asked a coworker how she was, using her first name of course and saying I was glad to see her.See the thing is she fell one day from a child running in-front of her, not only did she fall but she smashed her head on the rock wall we have. She got up with tears in her eyes, she began to ask about the child and making sure no harm came to it. She was so worried about that child well we all worried about her. She had a kindness in her that now many have these days and when I addressed her, told her I was happy to see her she grabbed my arm and walked with me. As we walked she began to tell me that not many acknowledge her… Not many know her name.

It’s a sad world we live in that we cannot spread love, kindness and simple acts of decency to one another. We’re trapped in a world of technology, selfishness and money hungry. Though I know I am not perfect and have made many mistakes…  This woman opened my eyes a bit more. Now we must say see you again one day, not goodbye because I know one day we will meet again at those golden gates. We’ll see the twinkle of love in your eyes and hear that kind voice once again; but for now I will say see you soon my friend.

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Rest in Peace

Christina Eckert

 A wife, a mother and friend.

 

 

 

Posted in FAMILY TIME, griefe, Guilt, loss, miscarriage, Uncategorized

As the time passes…

The pain became so uncontrollable as tears, screaming and heartache devoured my daily existence. I held your older sister a little tighter, kissing her forhead… For months she had been lifting my shirt kissing my stomach saying, “baby” and all the innocence that was in her was unaware of the struggles daddy and I faced. Not only as the heartbreak of parents but as a relationship began to crumble.

We glared at one another from across the bedroom, we became unglued, broken and unable to comprehend the battles we both were fighting emotionally. “It was never there” was a saying that was spoken out of painful anger and each time I was cut a bit deeper. Unaware that we both wouldn’t react the same… Unaware that our relationship would hit such a dark moment that I didn’t think we’d make it through.

We laughed and sipped our drinks while sharing adult conversation with a couple that tried their best to get our minds off the nightmare. But my anger unleashed my words became harsh and my tears were like waterfalls. They held me and as I saw the pain in your father’s eyes I knew we had to find comfort in one another.

We didn’t try, we were scared of a repeat. But then a gummie bear shaped blob was shown on the monitor. Elleanna… A rainbow child had been brought to us through all the pain. For months I stayed worried, each visit to the doctors was like a replay and my nerves were on edge. But then came a miracle “It’s a girl!”, we had reached the point that had struck us so deeply last time. This point wasn’t painful but bittersweet. We had a rainbow princess that would be due November 14th.

For months I watched as daddy kept his distance unsure that we would walk out of the hospital with a baby in hand. As my stomach grew so did his heart, talking to my belly and buying daddys princess clothing. He hung sonogram photos and began to feel the kicks of Elleanna.

We had an easy birth many would say, Elleanna as stubborn as her mother stayed in the safety of me until her due date even though for weeks I ranged from 2 to 4 cm. 11:17am November 14th 2013 came and I held our rainbow child on my chest with a relief. Though my pain is still aching for you, I know you are looking down upon your sisters, guiding them, protecting them and no longer in pain. You were my angel through all the bad, my protector during my crash with Isabella.

You were always there my angel.