FAMILY TIME, griefe, Guilt, loss, miscarriage, Uncategorized

As the time passes…

The pain became so uncontrollable as tears, screaming and heartache devoured my daily existence. I held your older sister a little tighter, kissing her forhead… For months she had been lifting my shirt kissing my stomach saying, “baby” and all the innocence that was in her was unaware of the struggles daddy and I faced. Not only as the heartbreak of parents but as a relationship began to crumble.

We glared at one another from across the bedroom, we became unglued, broken and unable to comprehend the battles we both were fighting emotionally. “It was never there” was a saying that was spoken out of painful anger and each time I was cut a bit deeper. Unaware that we both wouldn’t react the same… Unaware that our relationship would hit such a dark moment that I didn’t think we’d make it through.

We laughed and sipped our drinks while sharing adult conversation with a couple that tried their best to get our minds off the nightmare. But my anger unleashed my words became harsh and my tears were like waterfalls. They held me and as I saw the pain in your father’s eyes I knew we had to find comfort in one another.

We didn’t try, we were scared of a repeat. But then a gummie bear shaped blob was shown on the monitor. Elleanna… A rainbow child had been brought to us through all the pain. For months I stayed worried, each visit to the doctors was like a replay and my nerves were on edge. But then came a miracle “It’s a girl!”, we had reached the point that had struck us so deeply last time. This point wasn’t painful but bittersweet. We had a rainbow princess that would be due November 14th.

For months I watched as daddy kept his distance unsure that we would walk out of the hospital with a baby in hand. As my stomach grew so did his heart, talking to my belly and buying daddys princess clothing. He hung sonogram photos and began to feel the kicks of Elleanna.

We had an easy birth many would say, Elleanna as stubborn as her mother stayed in the safety of me until her due date even though for weeks I ranged from 2 to 4 cm. 11:17am November 14th 2013 came and I held our rainbow child on my chest with a relief. Though my pain is still aching for you, I know you are looking down upon your sisters, guiding them, protecting them and no longer in pain. You were my angel through all the bad, my protector during my crash with Isabella.

You were always there my angel. 

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