Unforeseen was the commotion of a weekend she thought would go so smoothly. As she packed up her belongings, memories and cherished photos she held close to her heart the tears built up in her eyes. She worked so hard for everything in that home; as she grabbed children’s toys, articles of clothing and random items that were stored away in closests she looked at them carefully. A box lay infront of her and a trash bag beside she had to decide which memories were of importance to her and her family in the future. The trash bin outside grew like a mountain with her children’s toys that were long forgotten, clothing that hadn’t fit since before children and papers of all the writings she had scribbled down over the years.
The walls of the home stored stories of times of joy; from the first turn of the key to the very first home to the sadness of losing loved ones and family disagreements. It was becoming a bitter moment. The memories like a tsunami took over, looking in the upstairs closet she remembered the little pitter patter of the girls feet as they ran in the large walk-in closet. How small they were when we moved in; Elleanna was but one and a half and Isabella was only four… The age Elleanna is now as the boxed tower in the living room and their bedroom.
The next few hours were out of one’s mind. Throwing away as much as possible knowing there were but a short time before the family showed up to help pack the memories in a storage unit.. Stress running high, arguments of help overcoming the joy of what the future would be holding. As family arrived embarrassment that the house was still unready; thinking that it would be an easy task was now a laughable moment to look back on. Though the nerve-racking moments were about to come. As an overwhelming unpleasant feeling took over my body I knew something wasn’t right. After finding the unpleasant red I was rushed to the hospital by my mother and aunt in tears. Feeling the past was reliving itself the negative thoughts were clouding my mind. Hours of testing from sonograms that were unseen by my eyes due to their fear of anything being wrong to Iv’s and nurse visits all I kept asking was to know the baby was there.. I just wanted to know that; if told that the baby was there with a heartbeat I could calm a bit but they didn’t give me that satisfaction. After five hours the news that the baby was currently alright but with complications that took lifting, bending, walking much and stress out of my abilities. Do they not know me? Stress is a major portion of my life!
We headed home with my mind unable to wrap around the fact I couldn’t lift Elleanna or that I would be out of work for some time. A follow up doctors appointment was made to further inform me of my and the baby condition. Two days later I sat in the cold doctors office; my mind wondering around with questions. As the doctor opened the door with paper work in hand he was smiling. How could he be smiling this was not a moment for smiles in my opinion. He said have you been on the bed rest? Not stressing? I laughed “I’m doing it to the best of my abilities but stress under these circumstances is high.”
It was a moment of complete confusion as he said all the “doctor terms” I sat with a blank stare… “Can you repeat that in English now?” With the printed information he circled what the main concerns were. The heart rate at 157 I was just happy to know that the baby was there and that as long as I did everything. I could that it would have a better chance of less complications.
The days went by, bored out of my mind and unable to pick up Elleanna when she cried for me broke my heart; but I knew I had to do whatever I needed for our baby. As someone usually working five to six days a week, school pick ups, grocery store trips and the busy life of a mother after work came to a halt. Unable to push a vacuum I started to feel trapped. The negativity clouding my mind I felt so alone; though with family help and Geraldo’s I still felt like no one understood my mindset.
How can I turn this bed rest into something positive? As the girls hugged my legs, my stomach and told me how much they loved me I saw the positive side. For many years I have been unable to fully be attentive to them, stressed from the busy life of work and traveling around to get the kids to and from and the items we needed for the house. This was an opportunity to read books, to watch them play in the yard and see how much they really have grown over the years. This was a time to enjoy the less hectic life I have come so accustomed to… But would I be able to?
It’s as if someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…Like a never ending nightmare unable to wake from. Pined with a pressure residing in my chest; a feeling as if there were someone sitting on it… Making it unbearable to inhale, only to be left with exhales of cries. Clutching a pillow between my arms with a rocking motion I stay frozen with my eyes searching for help. Though the eyes itself is shut, with a blockade of defense against any form of nourishment to help my screaming soul.
Feeling alone I explode over any little matter, wishing at the same time the person I am exploding towards will see through the defense and find the understanding to my screaming soul. I lay my head to sleep to find my racing mind ready to keep my tired eyes hurting throughout the moons presence. A nightmare of embarrassment, dishonor some may say, to who you are… Wondering if I am overthinking each word or action made by another meant to the smallest worries of what my children may think of our lives.
Anxiety is the worst feeling; it can be indescribable and terrifying. Wondering if you do reach out for help that you will be judged… That’s an anxiety inside itself among the many other that like building blocks just build upon on another to cause a tower of worries, fears and nightmares. I’ve had my chances to reach out to those who “love me” or at least some that act like they do. I say this because there are some really heartless people that use this anxiety to attack us more then what is already happening inside out heads. I don’t want my children to ever feel this anxiety, fear of a hand closing our mouth shut so we do not speak a word to be judged. I’m removing the hand… I’m speaking up so that one day if my girls ever feel alone; maybe they’ll come to me and understand I know the feelings all too well.
I’ve read some articles that explain what anxiety is specifically; lacking enough neurotransmitters as GABA and Serotonin to help out brain slow down. Many doctors just give a prescription and don’t look at all the symptoms; I feel like I was one of those cases though I had asked to see someone to speak about my worries. I haven’t had the ability to be seen since my doctor has not ordered that… Which makes it worse because then I feel like I have failed my children.
Anyone experience the same crippling, breath taking (and not in a good way) experiences as I have?
Have you found any comfort other then medications to help keep your mind steady?
I’m on my tiptoes and still swallowing the water as I’m reaching for the latter to safety.
I watch you as you sleep… Slowly breathing as you hug your teddy bear a bit closer. A smile plastered upon my face, God has blessed me with my children. As I scan the room the motherly instincts kick in, lift that leg back onto the bed and cover your sister with a blanket. She’s a ninja in her sleep fighting what I can only hope are lollipops and gum drops. I think about what your future holds for you, what do you want to be when you grow up; only hoping you’ll make leaps over the obstacles that seem to have kept your mother at a stand still.
The day has been a bit of a blur by now, filled with questions like did I shampoo my hair or just condition it or did I just shampoo twice? As those five to ten minutes I’m trying to find myself the silent moment reminds me there will be but a nightmare awaiting when I step out of the steam. Brought to my attention will be another piece of art that wouldn’t have to be hung. A toilet full of bubbles or those toys I just organized made their way down stairs spread as a master piece on my to do list before bed. I’ve missed out on this a time or two… To be honest a lot. Working long hours I missed those moments of cuteness because if I say brats I will be scolded and told “They are just children”. It’s been about two months without work, dragging my right foot along. Waiting anxiously to go back to work I caught up on the “I love you”, hugs and kisses. Which of course came along with tantrums and puppy dog eyes; praying to God that I can get through the grocery store without the entire community noticing my frumpy clothes and messy bun. If anyone asks its laundry day!
Everyone always uses the line “everything happens for a reason” but do they ever actually know what it means? Well after this experience I’m embracing a lot more, putting myself in God’s hands and rolling with the plan that is more then what I can imagine. As many of my friends and family can tell I’ve embraced a bit more, praying more; which I know isn’t everyone’s life but for me it’s a sense of freedom. The weight on my shoulder’s has been drowning me as I stretched my arms out for some balance. I found that balance now, realizing I was drowning myself in my own demons. Pushing myself thinking I was doing the best for my daughters but missing out on everything that was important to them.
Girls time, nail painting and story time we’re making up on. Burnt toast for breakfast and lets not get into dinner. Salad anyone? Trying a bit harder to be that motherly, wife type… It’s so not EASY! Early morning of rubbing my eyes as I scramble eggs, up late washing work and school clothes to be laid out on chairs and wondering what will be for lunch; my mind doesn’t shut off as I lay in bed. How do women do it as stay at home moms and wife’s I wonder… I find it a very impossible task to complete the dishes and make sure that the clothes finish washing, all while trying to cook a meal that will be delicious or edible to my five year old. Chicken nuggets and fries are not a meal I would like her to eat daily; branching her off seems like an obstacle on top of the many I already am playing in my head. These include most that are made up scenarios that lead my actions and words to speak on whole new levels that my heart doesn’t back up.
Fighting these evils within my own mind, constantly putting myself down whether body image or work ethic along with life choices. Clearing my mind as I watch you sleep another night laying next to me as my keyboard clicks away; out of the corner of my eye I watch your hand reach for a safety to know I am near.
How do we clear our minds to find peace? To fight against ourselves to remember we are our largest threat to ourselves, our relationships, happiness and over all life. Embrace the everything happens for a reason because I know if eight weeks ago I didn’t break my foot life maybe A LOT different and confronting some of the evils that was tearing my family apart may have never happened. At the end of the day count your blessings and in the morning remember it’s a new day to be a better you, go with the flow even though you have a plan there is greatness that is waiting for you around each corner. Though some doors may close you will be forced in a different direction know that you can make the best out of it which can lead to far better outcomes that you I’m sure may have never seen coming.