It’s as if someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…Like a never ending nightmare unable to wake from. Pined with a pressure residing in my chest; a feeling as if there were someone sitting on it… Making it unbearable to inhale, only to be left with exhales of cries. Clutching a pillow between my arms with a rocking motion I stay frozen with my eyes searching for help. Though the eyes itself is shut, with a blockade of defense against any form of nourishment to help my screaming soul.
Feeling alone I explode over any little matter, wishing at the same time the person I am exploding towards will see through the defense and find the understanding to my screaming soul. I lay my head to sleep to find my racing mind ready to keep my tired eyes hurting throughout the moons presence. A nightmare of embarrassment, dishonor some may say, to who you are… Wondering if I am overthinking each word or action made by another meant to the smallest worries of what my children may think of our lives.
Anxiety is the worst feeling; it can be indescribable and terrifying. Wondering if you do reach out for help that you will be judged… That’s an anxiety inside itself among the many other that like building blocks just build upon on another to cause a tower of worries, fears and nightmares. I’ve had my chances to reach out to those who “love me” or at least some that act like they do. I say this because there are some really heartless people that use this anxiety to attack us more then what is already happening inside out heads. I don’t want my children to ever feel this anxiety, fear of a hand closing our mouth shut so we do not speak a word to be judged. I’m removing the hand… I’m speaking up so that one day if my girls ever feel alone; maybe they’ll come to me and understand I know the feelings all too well.
I’ve read some articles that explain what anxiety is specifically; lacking enough neurotransmitters as GABA and Serotonin to help out brain slow down. Many doctors just give a prescription and don’t look at all the symptoms; I feel like I was one of those cases though I had asked to see someone to speak about my worries. I haven’t had the ability to be seen since my doctor has not ordered that… Which makes it worse because then I feel like I have failed my children.
Anyone experience the same crippling, breath taking (and not in a good way) experiences as I have?
Have you found any comfort other then medications to help keep your mind steady?
I’m on my tiptoes and still swallowing the water as I’m reaching for the latter to safety.
I watch you as you sleep… Slowly breathing as you hug your teddy bear a bit closer. A smile plastered upon my face, God has blessed me with my children. As I scan the room the motherly instincts kick in, lift that leg back onto the bed and cover your sister with a blanket. She’s a ninja in her sleep fighting what I can only hope are lollipops and gum drops. I think about what your future holds for you, what do you want to be when you grow up; only hoping you’ll make leaps over the obstacles that seem to have kept your mother at a stand still.
The day has been a bit of a blur by now, filled with questions like did I shampoo my hair or just condition it or did I just shampoo twice? As those five to ten minutes I’m trying to find myself the silent moment reminds me there will be but a nightmare awaiting when I step out of the steam. Brought to my attention will be another piece of art that wouldn’t have to be hung. A toilet full of bubbles or those toys I just organized made their way down stairs spread as a master piece on my to do list before bed. I’ve missed out on this a time or two… To be honest a lot. Working long hours I missed those moments of cuteness because if I say brats I will be scolded and told “They are just children”. It’s been about two months without work, dragging my right foot along. Waiting anxiously to go back to work I caught up on the “I love you”, hugs and kisses. Which of course came along with tantrums and puppy dog eyes; praying to God that I can get through the grocery store without the entire community noticing my frumpy clothes and messy bun. If anyone asks its laundry day!
Everyone always uses the line “everything happens for a reason” but do they ever actually know what it means? Well after this experience I’m embracing a lot more, putting myself in God’s hands and rolling with the plan that is more then what I can imagine. As many of my friends and family can tell I’ve embraced a bit more, praying more; which I know isn’t everyone’s life but for me it’s a sense of freedom. The weight on my shoulder’s has been drowning me as I stretched my arms out for some balance. I found that balance now, realizing I was drowning myself in my own demons. Pushing myself thinking I was doing the best for my daughters but missing out on everything that was important to them.
Girls time, nail painting and story time we’re making up on. Burnt toast for breakfast and lets not get into dinner. Salad anyone? Trying a bit harder to be that motherly, wife type… It’s so not EASY! Early morning of rubbing my eyes as I scramble eggs, up late washing work and school clothes to be laid out on chairs and wondering what will be for lunch; my mind doesn’t shut off as I lay in bed. How do women do it as stay at home moms and wife’s I wonder… I find it a very impossible task to complete the dishes and make sure that the clothes finish washing, all while trying to cook a meal that will be delicious or edible to my five year old. Chicken nuggets and fries are not a meal I would like her to eat daily; branching her off seems like an obstacle on top of the many I already am playing in my head. These include most that are made up scenarios that lead my actions and words to speak on whole new levels that my heart doesn’t back up.
Fighting these evils within my own mind, constantly putting myself down whether body image or work ethic along with life choices. Clearing my mind as I watch you sleep another night laying next to me as my keyboard clicks away; out of the corner of my eye I watch your hand reach for a safety to know I am near.
How do we clear our minds to find peace? To fight against ourselves to remember we are our largest threat to ourselves, our relationships, happiness and over all life. Embrace the everything happens for a reason because I know if eight weeks ago I didn’t break my foot life maybe A LOT different and confronting some of the evils that was tearing my family apart may have never happened. At the end of the day count your blessings and in the morning remember it’s a new day to be a better you, go with the flow even though you have a plan there is greatness that is waiting for you around each corner. Though some doors may close you will be forced in a different direction know that you can make the best out of it which can lead to far better outcomes that you I’m sure may have never seen coming.
The pitch black of the hallway outside my bedroom door sends shivers up my spine. The silence of the house opens my mind to the many stresses, the wonders and the doubts. My eyelids heavy with another passing day, my head throbbing like I have a mini drummer making music; I count my blessings. I count my stresses… My failures.
The soft pillow underneath my head and my favorite cuddly blanket I try to find my happy place. I’ve made it through another day. The trash is picked up, the children are bathed and I have made my appearance at work again. I’ve strayed off path… As though a fork in the road is ahead of me I find that I may have chosen the wrong way. Working each day I find myself wiping the tears from my babies faces,”When I’m off again we’ll do something fun, I wont work too late.” As though I am lying between my teeth I count the bills in my head. I lie to myself even, “After I get this bill paid we can go get a surprise…”. Truth is that is very far down the road.
Bed time stories and movie nights have become but a memory, the nightmares of a stressful night have become but a present state of mind.
I am trying my best like many parents are. We are working multiple jobs or long hours with many days. We find that we are doing what we can to provide a safe home, food on the table and clothes on their backs. But we have allowed the stress to overwhelm us and take our emotions.
After a long day at work, in a business that is very people oriented, we come home to a messy house and children hyper. Though we know they are hyper that we are home, play time with mommy (and/or daddy) we have run out of patients. The smallest things set us off from stepping on a toy you asked to be put away or finding an article of clothing on the floor.
It’s not their fault. I am allowing the demons in the night and day to whisper in my ear. I have found myself off course… Maybe I have been off this course for many years now. It’s time to find strength, happiness and get back on track. The map I have been reading is wrong and I am choosing to create a path back in the right direction. Time to get back to bedtime stories, Friday movie nights and playground trips. This mommy is ready to take off on a swing, reach the clouds and be a little closer to the many blessings ahead as well as currently with me.
Thank you to a new friend for giving me
some hope and strength today.
Don’t ever change that kind heart of yours.