Posted in FAMILY TIME, Guilt, Mom life, Uncategorized

Confessions of a crazed mother: tired and off course

The pitch black of the hallway outside my bedroom door sends shivers up my spine. The silence of the house opens my mind to the many stresses, the wonders and the doubts. My eyelids heavy with another passing day, my head throbbing like I have a mini drummer making music; I count my blessings. I count my stresses… My failures.

The soft pillow underneath my head and my favorite cuddly blanket I try to find my happy place. I’ve made it through another day. The trash is picked up, the children are bathed and I have made my appearance at work again. I’ve strayed off path… As though a fork in the road is ahead of me I find that I may have chosen the wrong way. Working each day I find myself wiping the tears from my babies faces,”When I’m off again we’ll do something fun, I wont work too late.” As though I am lying between my teeth I count the bills in my head. I lie to myself even, “After I get this bill paid we can go get a surprise…”. Truth is that is very far down the road.

Bed time stories and movie nights have become but a memory, the nightmares of a stressful night have become but a present state of mind.

My confession:

I am trying my best like many parents are. We are working multiple jobs or long hours with many days. We find that we are doing what we can to provide a safe home, food on the table and clothes on their backs. But we have allowed the stress to overwhelm us and take our emotions.

After a long day at work, in a business that is very people oriented, we come home to a messy house and children hyper. Though we know they are hyper that we are home, play time with mommy (and/or daddy) we have run out of patients. The smallest things set us off from stepping on a toy you asked to be put away or finding an article of clothing on the floor. 

Truth…

It’s not their fault. I am allowing the demons in the night and day to whisper in my ear. I have found myself off course… Maybe I have been off this course for many years now. It’s time to find strength, happiness and get back on track. The map I have been reading is wrong and I am choosing to create a path back in the right direction. Time to get back to bedtime stories, Friday movie nights and playground trips. This mommy is ready to take off on a swing, reach the clouds and be a little closer to the many blessings ahead as well as currently with me.

 

Thank you to a new friend for giving me

some hope and strength today.

Don’t ever change that kind heart of yours.

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Posted in FAMILY TIME, Guilt, Mom life, Uncategorized

You are my world.

I fall upon my knees and begin to pray… I’m praying for a better life for my children and I. I’m praying for more days spent like these. The little fingers between mine as I hear your small voice “mommy love you”. It’s days like these I live for, though its few as I work to provide the very best for you. I sometimes wonder if it is the very best. A clean house and full fridge and clothes in the drawers is what I’m wishing for these days but as I drag myself up from the ground I remember the wash was left without being dried and now has that lovely musty smell. I remember that I forgot to get cheese for the sandwiches and that the kids room needs a good carpet clean. But where is the time?

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My emotions are all over the place from being proud of the fact my children are becoming more independent and that I am working harder then I ever have in my life to provide what I can for them alone. To the fact that I am upset that there is no relief. I cannot have my sick days because the bills are late and I am making sure they ate while I’m wondering what time it is in the darkness of a restaurant. As a waitress I live day to day, tip to tip and my hours are never consistent. I hugged my oldest so tight the other morning as she begged me to stay home from work; it was my sixth day in a row and she was still sleepy. I squeezed her face as she begged me to stay home, one more kiss after the last one more kiss I keep saying. The tears filling my eyes while I watch her tears fall. Does it have to be this hard?

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I leave pictures of my girls in my check presenter that I use to take orders. Each time I open I get a glance and remember why I am there, why I am taking attitudes and trying to make even just one persons day a little brighter. Don’t get me wrong though my job is very demanding and I could be replaced in a blink of an eye I hope that deep down I am doing something to make a difference. The crying child at my table over tired from a missed nap, that’s you Elle, as I kneel down and begin to interact with the child. Coloring and asking them to find the characters on their coloring sheet. As I watch an older sibling try to help their brother or sister I see the love in their eyes just like my oldest, Isabella. Though I am not seeing my children during my long shifts at work I have a constant reminder of why I am there.

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My phone is full of pictures from Halloween to the little amount of time we are off together. Play ground trips and girls nail time at home I flip through each as I lay exhausted in bed. You are my future and all my wishes and dreams have turned into hoping you make larger steps then I ever did. You are my world, my sunshine on a rainy day and my reason for each exhausting step I take dragging myself through my day.

 

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Posted in Guilt, Mom life, Questions, Uncategorized

Confessions of a crazed mother: She’s back…

 

“Uh hello? Anybody out there?” As the kids movie plays in the background I stare at a horrific sight in the mirror. A messy mom bun is what I’m rocking these days, with matching bags of darkness laying underneath my eyes. My fashion has taken a drastic turn for the worst as the nightmare of myself stares at the frumpy t-shirt that once was my boyfriends. I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable in styles of a pre-baby body.. The hustle and bustle of the mom life has taken form around me without any survivors. My hair isn’t the shiny work of art and my make up is smeared or forgotten. Clothes have become a reminder that I will spend the next eight to thirteen hours in a place that see’s no sunlight.

As I rub my eyes in amazement how I allowed myself to be forgotten, like the Bermuda triangle everything that was once what made me is now lost never to be found… Or so I thought.

I watch as the people around me laugh and smile while I run tray after tray of beverages and think wow I wish I could look like that. I wish the laughter in my soul would escape its prison of shadows and remind me of the light that I carry within myself.

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I’ve carried children and have began to raise them, hoping everyday that I am doing something right. That one day my girls will see the strength of providing and know that I love them beyond any definition. But to love someone you must first love yourself I have been told; though after the years of late nights and early mornings. The long days have taken a toll on me, my dreams have become buried in the pile of clothes on the bed waiting to be put away. My looks have become but a memory in a picture show that my daughter’s say “awh” and “wow” at. Where has Melissa gone?

The dishes lay piled from the night before, and the clothes neatly packed (stuffed) in the hamper… “Are those dirty or clean?… Maybe I should wash them again just in case.” The walls of our townhouse have been newly designed by my two year old and a marker. “Where did she find that?”

“Did you hear that?… Yeah silence…Where are the kids?”… This is my mommy life.

So here’s my confessions…

I stare at my reflection and miss my old body. I have thoughts of what it would be like if I looked like I really wanted to. My hair done… Make-up perfect and that chub from post-babies disappeared. “Oh what it would feel like to fit in jeans with no muffin top or saggy butt!”

I find myself jealous of those who work so hard and watch what they eat, while on the other hand I am working hard to pay the bills. I find myself getting out of work at all hours of the night. I think about how bad I want a healthy body that I love but then my stomach begins to rumble. It’s 11:30pm at night which is way past any healthy time of eating and what is opened? I pass so many fast food restaurants on the way home and even when I order a salad I know it is no good and a pile of fried chicken lays on top of the greens. Drinking soda throughout the day to stay awake from long nights of Elleanna not sleeping to early mornings to get Isabella ready for school. I have become a walking zombie. The reflection in the mirror is a horrifying sight.

So what do I do from here….

An amazing friend offered to do my hair, as he is practicing. I don’t think I have felt that beautiful in years… As he trimmed and layered my hair I felt a piece of myself come back.

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A crooked smile upon my face I couldn’t be happier or more thankful for Craig and his amazing work. As I start to piece myself back together I realize that school is very important and I miss studying (I know weird right?!) so here I go signing up for loans and grants to begin the last couple courses I have left to finish my degree. Another check off the back to Melissa list. Signed up for a gym… Went once….. In two weeks… So that check is only half done.

“You don’t need to be helped any longer, you’ve always had the power…”

 

How do you take care of yourself?

Do you pamper yourself?

Do you find yourself envying another for their life, looks or just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side?