Guilt, Mom life, Questions, Uncategorized

Day # 1: My own worst enemy

Have you ever had that crippling moment? The one where it feels like the world rests on your shoulders; that someone is literally sitting on your chest to the point of unbearable breathing?

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I have that, well also throw in shooting pains in the chest and numbing in my arm. I have a problem; it’s known as my mind doesn’t sleep turn off. I could be my happiest and something small will set off a memory, thought or worry; that to be honest isn’t even close to what I’m thinking. It’s like hey, it’s a party anxiety; come join! Maybe it’s the stress of life, we all have it. Some in the same situations as one another and some in dilemmas much worse. Maybe my problem is I focus on others problems and not my own; now as my last birthday in the twenties is upon me I wonder what I accomplished?

I’ve spoken about writing books; began a couple and now where are they? I dig and dig for acceptance, for someone to notice something I’ve done correctly; but I’ve made so many mistakes and still do. I cling to my husband and children as if they are my only hope for some sort of “accomplishment”, though I don’t believe that is the correct word to use. I’ve began workouts, diets, new hobbies and still find myself consumed in beginning multiple tasks and not finishing what seems like any. I’ve complained up and down about wanting to better my health and body; yet a week in or even an hour to be honest I crack! “Hey look a brownie!”

Then there’s nights like last night… I’ve fallen asleep at 10 pm to be wide awake before 1 am. My mind on millions of things; should I be writing a post? I should probably write up an idea for my book. Did I put the clothes in the dryer? (We all know that’s a question that we ask ourselves!) Then it goes into, am I good enough? Should I try to work harder on getting my pre-baby body back? Did I have a pre-baby body? I love food so much, have I just always been a little bit of a muffin top?

In Middle School I was picked on for me weight; though it wasn’t because I was overweight but under. I was lucky to weigh 75 lbs at most! I had no figure and was very self conscious, now fast forward a bit to High School. I found those curves but was now self conscious that I was over weight at 110 lbs. Silly I know, now lets fast forward to last nights mind thinking about how after three babies, four pregnancies why am I not taking the initiative to look better for myself. To be healthier for my children. I always begin… For example today, as I did push-ups, crunches, jumping jacks, squats and so on; lunch hit and I wasn’t prepared. So some oven cooked, breaded chicken with buffalo sauce it was. I am my own worst enemy.

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As my own worst enemy I like to make up scenarios in my head; it could be what would happen if, while driving, walking the kids or swimming. It also could be about my family, my husbands thoughts on what I look like, or how I act. But then there’s days that I can be completely happy, thinking about how in love I am with my husband. The beautiful family we’ve created, or the fun we are about to have on an outing; and it hits! My arm is going numb, my chest is hurting a bit and I feel VERY WARM! Yes I know… I’m silly, we live in Florida it’s ALWAYS warm; but when you are directly in front of the air-conditioner this shouldn’t be a problem.

I often wonder how many people have the same issues; that they could go a few days happy and then it hits in the middle of the night. A crippling nightmare of not being able to relax, sleep and all your thoughts are on bad what if’s and judgments of others and even the judgment you put on yourself. I’ve found writing has been my escape, it allows my feelings out and keeps my mind busy; but I can’t always write. So here I am stuck as my own worst enemy, looking to find some sort of way to get out of my own head. No I’m not looking for the compliments on what type of mother I am to my children; or the I’m so sorry, it’ll get betters. I’m looking for others that have this dilemma and how they have helped themselves get rid of this evil curse.

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So here’s to day # 1 of Melissas-Miles journey on a better mind set, healthier living and becoming one-hundred percent happy with who I am. Keep a look out on my next moves of battling this evil curse.

Day # 1 Goals:

  • Drink 8-10 bottles of water     
  • Take the children for a walk around the block
  • Workout twice (Morning/Night)
  • Make a set of goals/create a happy board with the children

 

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