Posted in Guilt, Questions, Uncategorized

Confessions of a crazed mother: Where is my happy place?


There’s crayon murals on my walls, floors and computer. The laundry has piled up like Mt. Everest and I can’t find my keys. The bills are stacked neatly on my computer desk, but lets be honest the nightmare has just begun.

I hear the cries of Elleanna that escaped her crib again and found her way to the gate at the stairs. I don’t know what’s for dinner and my work schedule is a killer. Late nights, early mornings sending Isabella on her way off to Pre-K. I wonder how I will ever make it through… It’s not the weekend I look forward to, it’s not the holidays because to be honest as a waitress there’s not such thing.

I find myself driving with the windows down, tear filled eyes pleading above… “Where is the love?”

I’ve been too tired to write, too busy to sit in front of the computer and think of the right words to express to my readers.

So here’s my confession:

I don’t know how to handle my stress… To handle my worries… I find that I break at the smallest things from the school shoes not in the correct place to why can’t daddy lay with the baby to sleep after I worked all day? Truth is he’s been with her all day; organized and cleaned the house.

Am I that greedy that I just want to find my happy place? A place to escape reality of bills, cries and work overload.

Here’s my question to all my readers… To every parent, mother, waitress, daughter….

How can I handle my stress?

How can I go a day just smiling, no tears and certainly no chest pains?

Posted in FAMILY TIME, griefe, Guilt, loss, miscarriage, Uncategorized

As the time passes…

The pain became so uncontrollable as tears, screaming and heartache devoured my daily existence. I held your older sister a little tighter, kissing her forhead… For months she had been lifting my shirt kissing my stomach saying, “baby” and all the innocence that was in her was unaware of the struggles daddy and I faced. Not only as the heartbreak of parents but as a relationship began to crumble.

We glared at one another from across the bedroom, we became unglued, broken and unable to comprehend the battles we both were fighting emotionally. “It was never there” was a saying that was spoken out of painful anger and each time I was cut a bit deeper. Unaware that we both wouldn’t react the same… Unaware that our relationship would hit such a dark moment that I didn’t think we’d make it through.

We laughed and sipped our drinks while sharing adult conversation with a couple that tried their best to get our minds off the nightmare. But my anger unleashed my words became harsh and my tears were like waterfalls. They held me and as I saw the pain in your father’s eyes I knew we had to find comfort in one another.

We didn’t try, we were scared of a repeat. But then a gummie bear shaped blob was shown on the monitor. Elleanna… A rainbow child had been brought to us through all the pain. For months I stayed worried, each visit to the doctors was like a replay and my nerves were on edge. But then came a miracle “It’s a girl!”, we had reached the point that had struck us so deeply last time. This point wasn’t painful but bittersweet. We had a rainbow princess that would be due November 14th.

For months I watched as daddy kept his distance unsure that we would walk out of the hospital with a baby in hand. As my stomach grew so did his heart, talking to my belly and buying daddys princess clothing. He hung sonogram photos and began to feel the kicks of Elleanna.

We had an easy birth many would say, Elleanna as stubborn as her mother stayed in the safety of me until her due date even though for weeks I ranged from 2 to 4 cm. 11:17am November 14th 2013 came and I held our rainbow child on my chest with a relief. Though my pain is still aching for you, I know you are looking down upon your sisters, guiding them, protecting them and no longer in pain. You were my angel through all the bad, my protector during my crash with Isabella.

You were always there my angel. 

Posted in griefe, Guilt, loss, miscarriage, Questions

This one’s for my angel: The Revealing…

I write this to inform, to vent and to shed light on a subject difficult for many to speak about. I ask that my readers understand and pass no judgment on my grieving years later as if it was still an opened wound and those that have just began to grieve. Thank you.

There’s still a hole in my heart as it aches for you… It does many nights. As I look at your sister’s sleeping I wonder what you would have been like… Would you have dark hair like your older sister, curls like your baby sister? But truth be told if I had you, your baby sister wouldn’t be our rainbow baby…

For many families new and those still growing, they are unaware of what October is also about. While we strive to educate, support and show awareness for breast cancer, some families are mourning the loss of their babies. I am 1 in 4 women that have lost their baby and there isn’t any words that could heal our grieving hearts.


October is a month to come together, support and remember our babies though their lives were brief they are loved non the less. Many like myself bottle up our emotions… Some take the anger of “Why me? Why us? Why my baby?” out on those around them while their family and friends try to search for the right words, actions and provide help. Truth is we grieve in our own ways.


This year I lit my candle like many parents, grandparents and the amazing friends around the world did to remember our beloved angles. I felt a knot in my stomach as I watched the wick burn; a sensation to pick up Elleanna grew over me. I flash back to the day… I remember the week… The tears and the tests… I remember signing the papers of your passing and in truth that has been the hardest moment of my life.

It was a chilly winter day, the excitement in your fathers eyes was like none that I had ever seen. We headed on our journey to see you again that day, our sonogram to find out if you were a boy or girl. Your aunts took your sister for us that day so we could have peace and surprise everyone after with revealing; pink or blue. But that wasn’t going to be our surprise.

“Melissa” the nurse called from behind the desk. “You’re visit and sonogram will not be covered today by your insurance.” After fighting for what seemed like ever, tears filling my eyes and calling Nana asking what do I do I just want to see my baby… She paid over the phone. Maybe in that moment I should have just gone home but something in my gut pulled at me to fight for that sonogram.

The gel was cold upon my skin as the nurse kept going over and over my lower abdominal. I was showing at 5 months I looked huge already but I was told that would be what happened with the second child. Your father stayed by my side staring hard at the monitor but my eyes were on the nurse. Her face showed no happiness and my monitor showed no heart beat. I watched your fathers face turn white and my vision was as if I opened my eyes under the water. What was happening? Where was my baby?

After days of blood work and monitoring it was final… You were with God now looking down on us and watching over your sister. Right before wheeling me in January 17th 2013 for my surgery the nurse presented me with papers of your passing. They wanted my signature and at that moment I knew this was not a nightmare but reality was hitting me with a wave of tears I signed and closed my eyes.

It was a long month of screaming at your father.. “What did I do?.. Why my baby?” I felt as if I failed you and him… His first child was taken from him and there were no words to comfort one another. He bottled his emotions up, he pushed me away and I pushed back with my screaming and tears. We tried to find relief and were invited on double dates and nights out to get our minds off it. But mommy’s emotions were overwhelming with the liquor in my system sorrow was unleashed.

(To be continued…)