Guilt, Mom life, Questions

One day at a time…

The night sweats and loss of breath; my chest tight as if the air within me is being taken… I wake up many nights fearful of my children’s well-being. Many nights I toss and turn with what ifs and nightmares that shake me to tears. It was a rough pregnancy, unlike my girls… Within the first 10 weeks I had already been put on bed-rest and told I had Subchorionic Hematoma. I remember the day so clearly… As we were packing our townhouse; my nerves already high. We would be living apart for what we believed to be a short period of time; after six years of living with someone to be apart was an unbearable thought. As family came to help move large furniture I felt uneasy… Something wasn’t feeling right and that’s when I saw/felt the blood.

Crying uncontrollably, remembering our past loss in early 2013… I was scared I hurt the baby, that I was losing the baby. Rushed to the hospital and monitored for weeks the Subchorionic Hematoma became larger and my feet up was a persistent life style. No longer able to work, I had more free time with the girls and more time to keep my mind on the worries!

Towards the final weeks I began to swell, blood pressure stayed constantly high and exhaustion was a everyday expectation. Nights with tossing and turning with discomfort; I was given the word I had pre-eclampsia… For a few weeks I had made jokes about Isaac’s arrival coming early. That we could share a birthday, though this meant we’d be 36 weeks during delivery. And that’s just what happened. August 6th, the day before my birthday I received the best birthday gift ever; my prince Isaac Geraldo. He was healthy, counted ten toes, ten fingers and yes we finally had a boy!

He was premature and tiny, when handed to me I was nervous; a mother of two already and yet this third baby made me feel like a new mother. Scared I didn’t hold him properly or feed him enough…

Now fast forward he’s a healthy, chunky almost one year old. And as he lay fast asleep I am awoken with nightmares that he has stopped breathing. Jolted awake, Isaac smiles at me; unaware of my fears. It’s been a change to say the least, juggling three kids. Packing seems like a chore that I always forget something major! But I don’t remember life before having three now. It’s a lost memory. Nowadays I am trying to find the correct balance, alone time with each child. I haven’t found that perfect balance yet but also meal times. I give it up to the parents that have three or more kids; super-mom’s. Lets be honest I give it up to any parents; whether its one or more, this isn’t a walk in the park job some days.

My greatest fears are no longer those that kept me from watching horror movies or swimming in deep waters.. Now they are all of my children, from being bullied at school to are they breathing at night. The bang you randomly hear in the silence of the night; I’m that mom that gets up to check on each child. Which usually one has fallen out of bed (cough-cough Bella). I’m slowly trying to get hang of this new chapter of our lives… Nightmares and all.


At what age do you stop waking in the middle of the night,

for fear of your children safety? 

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