Confessions of a crazed mother: tired and off course

The pitch black of the hallway outside my bedroom door sends shivers up my spine. The silence of the house opens my mind to the many stresses, the wonders and the doubts. My eyelids heavy with another passing day, my head throbbing like I have a mini drummer making music; I count my blessings. I count my stresses… My failures.

The soft pillow underneath my head and my favorite cuddly blanket I try to find my happy place. I’ve made it through another day. The trash is picked up, the children are bathed and I have made my appearance at work again. I’ve strayed off path… As though a fork in the road is ahead of me I find that I may have chosen the wrong way. Working each day I find myself wiping the tears from my babies faces,”When I’m off again we’ll do something fun, I wont work too late.” As though I am lying between my teeth I count the bills in my head. I lie to myself even, “After I get this bill paid we can go get a surprise…”. Truth is that is very far down the road.

Bed time stories and movie nights have become but a memory, the nightmares of a stressful night have become but a present state of mind.

My confession:

I am trying my best like many parents are. We are working multiple jobs or long hours with many days. We find that we are doing what we can to provide a safe home, food on the table and clothes on their backs. But we have allowed the stress to overwhelm us and take our emotions.

After a long day at work, in a business that is very people oriented, we come home to a messy house and children hyper. Though we know they are hyper that we are home, play time with mommy (and/or daddy) we have run out of patients. The smallest things set us off from stepping on a toy you asked to be put away or finding an article of clothing on the floor. 

Truth…

It’s not their fault. I am allowing the demons in the night and day to whisper in my ear. I have found myself off course… Maybe I have been off this course for many years now. It’s time to find strength, happiness and get back on track. The map I have been reading is wrong and I am choosing to create a path back in the right direction. Time to get back to bedtime stories, Friday movie nights and playground trips. This mommy is ready to take off on a swing, reach the clouds and be a little closer to the many blessings ahead as well as currently with me.

 

Thank you to a new friend for giving me

some hope and strength today.

Don’t ever change that kind heart of yours.

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