It’s as if someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…Like a never ending nightmare unable to wake from. Pined with a pressure residing in my chest; a feeling as if there were someone sitting on it… Making it unbearable to inhale, only to be left with exhales of cries. Clutching a pillow between my arms with a rocking motion I stay frozen with my eyes searching for help. Though the eyes itself is shut, with a blockade of defense against any form of nourishment to help my screaming soul.
Feeling alone I explode over any little matter, wishing at the same time the person I am exploding towards will see through the defense and find the understanding to my screaming soul. I lay my head to sleep to find my racing mind ready to keep my tired eyes hurting throughout the moons presence. A nightmare of embarrassment, dishonor some may say, to who you are… Wondering if I am overthinking each word or action made by another meant to the smallest worries of what my children may think of our lives.
Anxiety is the worst feeling; it can be indescribable and terrifying. Wondering if you do reach out for help that you will be judged… That’s an anxiety inside itself among the many other that like building blocks just build upon on another to cause a tower of worries, fears and nightmares. I’ve had my chances to reach out to those who “love me” or at least some that act like they do. I say this because there are some really heartless people that use this anxiety to attack us more then what is already happening inside out heads. I don’t want my children to ever feel this anxiety, fear of a hand closing our mouth shut so we do not speak a word to be judged. I’m removing the hand… I’m speaking up so that one day if my girls ever feel alone; maybe they’ll come to me and understand I know the feelings all too well.
I’ve read some articles that explain what anxiety is specifically; lacking enough neurotransmitters as GABA and Serotonin to help out brain slow down. Many doctors just give a prescription and don’t look at all the symptoms; I feel like I was one of those cases though I had asked to see someone to speak about my worries. I haven’t had the ability to be seen since my doctor has not ordered that… Which makes it worse because then I feel like I have failed my children.
Anyone experience the same crippling, breath taking (and not in a good way) experiences as I have?
Have you found any comfort other then medications to help keep your mind steady?
I’m on my tiptoes and still swallowing the water as I’m reaching for the latter to safety.
The pitter patter of your feet upon the sidewalk as you race me to the house brings flash backs and realization that your time as a child is speeding by. I’ve always wanted to be that mother, the kind of mother that my children were proud of. That the first day of school they’d be asked what did you do this summer? Their response full of excitement and happiness as they spoke of the many magical places they saw. Next year Isabella will be in first grade… Boy did the time fly by. I can remember our first trips… Just you and I, as we adventured to D.C and New York and our many trips to West Palm. It seems like yesterday we were listening to music heading down the 417, snacks in hand and smiles on our faces.
Not only is Isabella growing up too quickly in my eyes, so is my sweet baby girl Elleanna. To tell you girls the truth, you will always be mommy’s baby girls (whether you like it or not ha-ha). Elleanna began daycare/school this spring and will be attending throughout the summer while I am working. Another reason why I would like to make the best of our summer. My chunky monkey is now walking, talking and climbing trees!
So let’s begin our summer bucket list on a budget! We have about 9-10 weekends together during this time, as well as my Thursday’s off which is about 10 as well. Where can we go? What will we see? What adventures await to be added to the wall of family fun?
I’ve been doing research into the Turtle Hospital in Key west as well as the aquarium. That would be a perfect weekend get away.. Due to the fact the distance is around six to seven hours driving time (ouch!).
I’ve also been looking into the springs around Florida and beaches.
Silver Springs: Glass bottom boat tours, canoe and kayak rentals. (Those might not be great for the children, but more research to come.)
Rainbow springs: Swimming, tubing, snorkeling, hiking with gardens and waterfalls. (This could be a more family friendly activity.)
Saniable Island Beach ( which is about a four to five hour trip to both Saniable and Captiva.)
Captiva Island which is north of Saniable (both locations would be wonderful for the shell seeking children I have.)
St Augustine: Ghost tours and the Fort as well as the oldest wooden school house. Many historical sights as well as memories of my childhood trips with my Auntie and Mother.
As you can see I’m just beginning my research on some outdoor activities and places to take the children this summer. If you have any other ideas or perfect places to show the children please comment below. Here’s to keeping the children outside and away from technology to make memories because we all know that we don’t have many summers left until they are grown and no longer wanting to be around mommy. I dread the day they tell me they don’t want to cuddle or not to kiss them at school.
I watch you as you sleep… Slowly breathing as you hug your teddy bear a bit closer. A smile plastered upon my face, God has blessed me with my children. As I scan the room the motherly instincts kick in, lift that leg back onto the bed and cover your sister with a blanket. She’s a ninja in her sleep fighting what I can only hope are lollipops and gum drops. I think about what your future holds for you, what do you want to be when you grow up; only hoping you’ll make leaps over the obstacles that seem to have kept your mother at a stand still.
The day has been a bit of a blur by now, filled with questions like did I shampoo my hair or just condition it or did I just shampoo twice? As those five to ten minutes I’m trying to find myself the silent moment reminds me there will be but a nightmare awaiting when I step out of the steam. Brought to my attention will be another piece of art that wouldn’t have to be hung. A toilet full of bubbles or those toys I just organized made their way down stairs spread as a master piece on my to do list before bed. I’ve missed out on this a time or two… To be honest a lot. Working long hours I missed those moments of cuteness because if I say brats I will be scolded and told “They are just children”. It’s been about two months without work, dragging my right foot along. Waiting anxiously to go back to work I caught up on the “I love you”, hugs and kisses. Which of course came along with tantrums and puppy dog eyes; praying to God that I can get through the grocery store without the entire community noticing my frumpy clothes and messy bun. If anyone asks its laundry day!
Everyone always uses the line “everything happens for a reason” but do they ever actually know what it means? Well after this experience I’m embracing a lot more, putting myself in God’s hands and rolling with the plan that is more then what I can imagine. As many of my friends and family can tell I’ve embraced a bit more, praying more; which I know isn’t everyone’s life but for me it’s a sense of freedom. The weight on my shoulder’s has been drowning me as I stretched my arms out for some balance. I found that balance now, realizing I was drowning myself in my own demons. Pushing myself thinking I was doing the best for my daughters but missing out on everything that was important to them.
Girls time, nail painting and story time we’re making up on. Burnt toast for breakfast and lets not get into dinner. Salad anyone? Trying a bit harder to be that motherly, wife type… It’s so not EASY! Early morning of rubbing my eyes as I scramble eggs, up late washing work and school clothes to be laid out on chairs and wondering what will be for lunch; my mind doesn’t shut off as I lay in bed. How do women do it as stay at home moms and wife’s I wonder… I find it a very impossible task to complete the dishes and make sure that the clothes finish washing, all while trying to cook a meal that will be delicious or edible to my five year old. Chicken nuggets and fries are not a meal I would like her to eat daily; branching her off seems like an obstacle on top of the many I already am playing in my head. These include most that are made up scenarios that lead my actions and words to speak on whole new levels that my heart doesn’t back up.
Fighting these evils within my own mind, constantly putting myself down whether body image or work ethic along with life choices. Clearing my mind as I watch you sleep another night laying next to me as my keyboard clicks away; out of the corner of my eye I watch your hand reach for a safety to know I am near.
How do we clear our minds to find peace? To fight against ourselves to remember we are our largest threat to ourselves, our relationships, happiness and over all life. Embrace the everything happens for a reason because I know if eight weeks ago I didn’t break my foot life maybe A LOT different and confronting some of the evils that was tearing my family apart may have never happened. At the end of the day count your blessings and in the morning remember it’s a new day to be a better you, go with the flow even though you have a plan there is greatness that is waiting for you around each corner. Though some doors may close you will be forced in a different direction know that you can make the best out of it which can lead to far better outcomes that you I’m sure may have never seen coming.