Posted in FAMILY TIME, Guilt, Mom life, Questions, Uncategorized

Lets get honest: fighting myself

I watch you as you sleep… Slowly breathing as you hug your teddy bear a bit closer. A smile plastered upon my face, God has blessed me with my children. As I scan the room the motherly instincts kick in, lift that leg back onto the bed and cover your sister with a blanket. She’s a ninja in her sleep fighting what I can only hope are lollipops and gum drops. I think about what your future holds for you, what do you want to be when you grow up; only hoping you’ll make leaps over the obstacles that seem to have kept your mother at a stand still.

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The day has been a bit of a blur by now, filled with questions like did I shampoo my hair or just condition it or did I just shampoo twice? As those five to ten minutes I’m trying to find myself the silent moment reminds me there will be but a nightmare awaiting when I step out of the steam. Brought to my attention will be another piece of art that wouldn’t have to be hung. A toilet full of bubbles or those toys I just organized made their way down stairs spread as a master piece on my to do list before bed. I’ve missed out on this a time or two… To be honest a lot. Working long hours I missed those moments of cuteness because if I say brats I will be scolded and told “They are just children”. It’s been about two months without work, dragging my right foot along. Waiting anxiously to go back to work I caught up on the “I love you”, hugs and kisses. Which of course came along with tantrums and puppy dog eyes; praying to God that I can get through the grocery store without the entire community noticing my frumpy clothes and messy bun. If anyone asks its laundry day!

Everyone always uses the line “everything happens for a reason” but do they ever actually know what it means? Well after this experience I’m embracing a lot more, putting myself in God’s hands and rolling with the plan that is more then what I can imagine. As many of my friends and family can tell I’ve embraced a bit more, praying more; which I know isn’t everyone’s life but for me it’s a sense of freedom. The weight on my shoulder’s has been drowning me as I stretched my arms out for some balance. I found that balance now, realizing I was drowning myself in my own demons. Pushing myself thinking I was doing the best for my daughters but missing out on everything that was important to them.

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Girls time, nail painting and story time we’re making up on. Burnt toast for breakfast and lets not get into dinner. Salad anyone? Trying a bit harder to be that motherly, wife type… It’s so not EASY! Early morning of rubbing my eyes as I scramble eggs, up late washing work and school clothes to be laid out on chairs and wondering what will be for lunch; my mind doesn’t shut off as I lay in bed. How do women do it as stay at home moms and wife’s I wonder… I find it a very impossible task to complete the dishes and make sure that the clothes finish washing, all while trying to cook a meal that will be delicious or edible to my five year old. Chicken nuggets and fries are not a meal I would like her to eat daily; branching her off seems like an obstacle on top of the many I already am playing in my head. These include most that are made up scenarios that lead my actions and words to speak on whole new levels that my heart doesn’t back up.

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Fighting these evils within my own mind, constantly putting myself down whether body image or work ethic along with life choices. Clearing my mind as I watch you sleep another night laying next to me as my keyboard clicks away; out of the corner of my eye I watch your hand reach for a safety to know I am near.

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How do we clear our minds to find peace? To fight against ourselves to remember we are our largest threat to ourselves, our relationships, happiness and over all life. Embrace the everything happens for a reason because I know if eight weeks ago I didn’t break my foot life maybe A LOT different and confronting some of the evils that was tearing my family apart may have never happened. At the end of the day count your blessings and in the morning remember it’s a new day to be a better you, go with the flow even though you have a plan there is greatness that is waiting for you around each corner. Though some doors may close you will be forced in a different direction know that you can make the best out of it which can lead to far better outcomes that you I’m sure may have never seen coming.

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Posted in FAMILY TIME, Mom life, Uncategorized

The Confessions of a crazed mother: And the family grows part II

The excitement return to their eyes as Miracle began rubbing up against my leg. She looked fatter now, healthy but tired. As  I allowed her in and began getting her water and food I was thrilled to see her but she had more of a surprise for us. As she laid down on the floor in my bedroom I began to notice little  details about her… Her and her large belly among other areas that were more pronounced than before. It didn’t take long as I began to rub her belly and feel babies moving I realized “here we go again”.

As a day went back she became more attached to my side, following my wobbling self around the house. Later in the evening she laid down in the pile of dirty laundry and labor began. I as a mother felt bad, the last time we weren’t there she was all alone while giving birth to five kittens. I laid down and began to rub her stomach between each contraction that she was screeching and breathing through. I saw the pain in her eyes and I couldn’t leave her side. Mind you I moved her to towels in an area that she would feel more comfortable from the children.

Slowly the labor progressed and we began to meet each. First the orange (Cutie Pie as Isabella calls here). Then another ten to fifteen minutes after another black and white… It took over an hour for all FIVE kittens to be born. Black and White (3), as well as ALL BLACK (1) and the oldest orange and white (1). I was there for it all … ALL THE GROSS MOMENTS AS WELL… Yuckkkkkk! But the excitement as they were born was as if I were having another baby. My baby fever has been lifted a bit now. Checking on five kittens throughout the night, making sure they are warm and being fed by their mother (Miracle).

 

We were blessed with another set of kittens that soon we will be finding homes for. But one will stay with us… They are now a month and a half old, running around playing; jumping on their mothers tail and climbing up the sofas and beds. Healthy and happy these kittens will soon needs names. To think all of these kittens wouldn’t be here if I didn’t find Miracle in the road all that time ago.

 

Posted in FAMILY TIME, Mom life, Uncategorized

Looking from the sideline…

Throbbing and aching is my body these days. As age is catching up with me I have found every ache that should have been during those crazy young years. Not saying I’m old but the years are adding up these days. Within the past few weeks I’ve felt a lot more aching then before, though that could be caused by the broken foot. The impossible task of sitting down and relaxing when an unforeseen event such as this has thrown my life off-balance. The bills are stacked one on top of another… The stress has become overwhelming but as everyone says everything happens for a reason.

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Isabella and Elleanna during our Disney on Ice adventure at the Amway.

The last three weeks out of work, which is far from usual when I work 5 to 6 days a week and have been crazy enough to try 9 days in a row one time, has been a changing experience. I have been reading late night books, like my daughter’s new favorite 5 Little Monkeys Reading in bed. I have had my little one fall asleep laying against me and caught up on some much-needed doctor appointments for the kids.

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At a family 2nd birthday party. How do you go after a child that is scared to go down and you cant get in as an adult and with a broken foot?

I’ve known for a long time that I’ve been missing out but these weeks have been amazing, stressful and depressing though happiness and a new-found form of spiritual investment in myself and family were found. I have had opportunities to watch the girls laugh and play, we’ve been seeing family that we haven’t been able to see due to work schedules and car situations.

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Isabella and Elleanna during our Disney on Ice adventure at the Amway.

I’ve been sitting on the sideline observing each smile, laugh and tear of my children. Their tears are not because mommy is walking away from another long day at the restaurant but because they want to snuggle me some more (and I may be trying to hide in the bathroom). We all need those mommy/daddy breathers!