The soft relaxing sound of that warm water filling the tub; bubbles and candles after a long week at work is just what this mommy needs. My feet throb like a heartbeat and my back feels as if the whole world has been carried on it… It’s time for some relaxation. The pitted patter of feet outside the door I begin to sink… As the door thuds open I hold my breath in hopes that I won’t be seen.
“Pop.. Pop.. Pop!” The bubbles begin to burst as sticky fingers make their way to the tub. I’ve been spotted and now I have two little mermaids in the tub with me. Overcrowded I cannot reach the soap, candles blown out and that drink that I poured myself is now in the fridge.
I think back about the times that I would spend at least an hour laying in a hot bubble bath… Music playing, having time to myself but when Isabella came life got a little bit crazier… But ALOT better. Once Elleanna arrived I knew that peaceful bath time while Isabella napped would be a thing of the past because now I get those precious moments of mommy doing Isabella’s hair and Isabella doing Elleanna’s hair all in a row.
So here’s my confession and I hope I am not alone or judged harshly..
I wait… I wait until it’s dark out I set up the baby monitor on the bathroom sink to see the girls. I’ve given them baths after dinner, snacks and story time and I find myself excited for their cuteness to lay their heads to sleep. I set up a movie and give them water and slowly sneak out the door after goodnight kisses. As their mesmerized into their Disney movie I make my move. The steaming hot water, the bubbles… I pour a glass of, well at this point anything I have whether whine, gin, vodka or rum… One glass to ease the worries, to sit back and relax because to tell the truth I don’t do this often.
See here’s the dirty truth that many are scared to speak about but first step to healing is admitting there is a problem right? Well my heart begins to beat faster, my chest feels as if someone is sitting on it. The breath is taken from me and my arm feels like a thousand needles are pricking it. Anxiety hits. The bills lay on the table, my phone in hand I look over my schedule a million times. Back and forth I read… Monday off, Tuesday 10am, Wednesday 11am, off Thursday, Friday off again and Saturday on call.. But look oh wait off again for Sunday. Those pricks turn to numbness, my head begins to ache these relaxing bubble baths turn to moments of getting my head into what is to come.
For those with anxiety there’s more then just the bills that make us react, maybe its the amount of diapers we have left or what side dishes we have that the children will eat with dinner. There’s so much to anxiety from traffic, being late to appointments or in my case my anxiety is providing the best for my children.
Those bursting bubbles are bubbles of hopes that we can go have some fun in the upcoming week on my days off. “Pop! Pop! Pop!” as the bubbles burst I think about what about another job on the side? Then the anxiety of missing my children more like I once did. Going from working 6 days a week hours that would leave no time to see my babies but to look in on their sleepy heads at night… Anxiety hits again I don’t want to miss them but the bills are multiplying.
I like many parents find relaxation a thing of the past. We wake with worries and at the end of the night we don’t think about the good things that have happened during the day… With anxiety we just worry, day and night and even in our sleep. We forget to take advantage of the precious moments such as I forget. The giggles and squeals of my two mermaids popping the bubbles in my relaxing bath. I must remember their healthy, their happy and they’re my bestfriends. We won’t have these moments forever, soon they will be pushing my out their bedroom doors as I ask what they are up to. They will be sitting at the dinner table texting as we are having a family meal, instead of making faces and fighting over what I cooked. Climbing on my lap to daddy’s lap and back to their own chair by crawling over or under the table.
Here’s my goal from here on out… Please bare with me while I try to control my anxiety.
- Breath, take in every piece of fresh air and remember that I live once in this moment…
- Remember that there is a plan whether I like it or not… There is a bigger plan then I have and it will be much greater…
- Remember you cannot control everything, sometimes you just need to let yourself go with the flow.
- That bubble bath that you had looked forward to all day, maybe all week is just a bath but the memories of two little monsters taking over the bath as beautiful mermaids… happens just for a short period of time. One day they will be grown with their own mermaids.