“Uh hello? Anybody out there?” As the kids movie plays in the background I stare at a horrific sight in the mirror. A messy mom bun is what I’m rocking these days, with matching bags of darkness laying underneath my eyes. My fashion has taken a drastic turn for the worst as the nightmare of myself stares at the frumpy t-shirt that once was my boyfriends. I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable in styles of a pre-baby body.. The hustle and bustle of the mom life has taken form around me without any survivors. My hair isn’t the shiny work of art and my make up is smeared or forgotten. Clothes have become a reminder that I will spend the next eight to thirteen hours in a place that see’s no sunlight.
As I rub my eyes in amazement how I allowed myself to be forgotten, like the Bermuda triangle everything that was once what made me is now lost never to be found… Or so I thought.
I watch as the people around me laugh and smile while I run tray after tray of beverages and think wow I wish I could look like that. I wish the laughter in my soul would escape its prison of shadows and remind me of the light that I carry within myself.
I’ve carried children and have began to raise them, hoping everyday that I am doing something right. That one day my girls will see the strength of providing and know that I love them beyond any definition. But to love someone you must first love yourself I have been told; though after the years of late nights and early mornings. The long days have taken a toll on me, my dreams have become buried in the pile of clothes on the bed waiting to be put away. My looks have become but a memory in a picture show that my daughter’s say “awh” and “wow” at. Where has Melissa gone?
The dishes lay piled from the night before, and the clothes neatly packed (stuffed) in the hamper… “Are those dirty or clean?… Maybe I should wash them again just in case.” The walls of our townhouse have been newly designed by my two year old and a marker. “Where did she find that?”
“Did you hear that?… Yeah silence…Where are the kids?”… This is my mommy life.
So here’s my confessions…
I stare at my reflection and miss my old body. I have thoughts of what it would be like if I looked like I really wanted to. My hair done… Make-up perfect and that chub from post-babies disappeared. “Oh what it would feel like to fit in jeans with no muffin top or saggy butt!”
I find myself jealous of those who work so hard and watch what they eat, while on the other hand I am working hard to pay the bills. I find myself getting out of work at all hours of the night. I think about how bad I want a healthy body that I love but then my stomach begins to rumble. It’s 11:30pm at night which is way past any healthy time of eating and what is opened? I pass so many fast food restaurants on the way home and even when I order a salad I know it is no good and a pile of fried chicken lays on top of the greens. Drinking soda throughout the day to stay awake from long nights of Elleanna not sleeping to early mornings to get Isabella ready for school. I have become a walking zombie. The reflection in the mirror is a horrifying sight.
So what do I do from here….
An amazing friend offered to do my hair, as he is practicing. I don’t think I have felt that beautiful in years… As he trimmed and layered my hair I felt a piece of myself come back.
A crooked smile upon my face I couldn’t be happier or more thankful for Craig and his amazing work. As I start to piece myself back together I realize that school is very important and I miss studying (I know weird right?!) so here I go signing up for loans and grants to begin the last couple courses I have left to finish my degree. Another check off the back to Melissa list. Signed up for a gym… Went once….. In two weeks… So that check is only half done.
“You don’t need to be helped any longer, you’ve always had the power…”
How do you take care of yourself?
Do you pamper yourself?
Do you find yourself envying another for their life, looks or just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side?
Melissas-Miles 