I fall upon my knees and begin to pray… I’m praying for a better life for my children and I. I’m praying for more days spent like these. The little fingers between mine as I hear your small voice “mommy love you”. It’s days like these I live for, though its few as I work to provide the very best for you. I sometimes wonder if it is the very best. A clean house and full fridge and clothes in the drawers is what I’m wishing for these days but as I drag myself up from the ground I remember the wash was left without being dried and now has that lovely musty smell. I remember that I forgot to get cheese for the sandwiches and that the kids room needs a good carpet clean. But where is the time?
My emotions are all over the place from being proud of the fact my children are becoming more independent and that I am working harder then I ever have in my life to provide what I can for them alone. To the fact that I am upset that there is no relief. I cannot have my sick days because the bills are late and I am making sure they ate while I’m wondering what time it is in the darkness of a restaurant. As a waitress I live day to day, tip to tip and my hours are never consistent. I hugged my oldest so tight the other morning as she begged me to stay home from work; it was my sixth day in a row and she was still sleepy. I squeezed her face as she begged me to stay home, one more kiss after the last one more kiss I keep saying. The tears filling my eyes while I watch her tears fall. Does it have to be this hard?
I leave pictures of my girls in my check presenter that I use to take orders. Each time I open I get a glance and remember why I am there, why I am taking attitudes and trying to make even just one persons day a little brighter. Don’t get me wrong though my job is very demanding and I could be replaced in a blink of an eye I hope that deep down I am doing something to make a difference. The crying child at my table over tired from a missed nap, that’s you Elle, as I kneel down and begin to interact with the child. Coloring and asking them to find the characters on their coloring sheet. As I watch an older sibling try to help their brother or sister I see the love in their eyes just like my oldest, Isabella. Though I am not seeing my children during my long shifts at work I have a constant reminder of why I am there.
My phone is full of pictures from Halloween to the little amount of time we are off together. Play ground trips and girls nail time at home I flip through each as I lay exhausted in bed. You are my future and all my wishes and dreams have turned into hoping you make larger steps then I ever did. You are my world, my sunshine on a rainy day and my reason for each exhausting step I take dragging myself through my day.