It’s as if someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…Like a never ending nightmare unable to wake from. Pined with a pressure residing in my chest; a feeling as if there were someone sitting on it… Making it unbearable to inhale, only to be left with exhales of cries. Clutching a pillow between my arms with a rocking motion I stay frozen with my eyes searching for help. Though the eyes itself is shut, with a blockade of defense against any form of nourishment to help my screaming soul.
Feeling alone I explode over any little matter, wishing at the same time the person I am exploding towards will see through the defense and find the understanding to my screaming soul. I lay my head to sleep to find my racing mind ready to keep my tired eyes hurting throughout the moons presence. A nightmare of embarrassment, dishonor some may say, to who you are… Wondering if I am overthinking each word or action made by another meant to the smallest worries of what my children may think of our lives.
Anxiety is the worst feeling; it can be indescribable and terrifying. Wondering if you do reach out for help that you will be judged… That’s an anxiety inside itself among the many other that like building blocks just build upon on another to cause a tower of worries, fears and nightmares. I’ve had my chances to reach out to those who “love me” or at least some that act like they do. I say this because there are some really heartless people that use this anxiety to attack us more then what is already happening inside out heads. I don’t want my children to ever feel this anxiety, fear of a hand closing our mouth shut so we do not speak a word to be judged. I’m removing the hand… I’m speaking up so that one day if my girls ever feel alone; maybe they’ll come to me and understand I know the feelings all too well.
I’ve read some articles that explain what anxiety is specifically; lacking enough neurotransmitters as GABA and Serotonin to help out brain slow down. Many doctors just give a prescription and don’t look at all the symptoms; I feel like I was one of those cases though I had asked to see someone to speak about my worries. I haven’t had the ability to be seen since my doctor has not ordered that… Which makes it worse because then I feel like I have failed my children.
Anyone experience the same crippling, breath taking (and not in a good way) experiences as I have?
Have you found any comfort other then medications to help keep your mind steady?
I’m on my tiptoes and still swallowing the water as I’m reaching for the latter to safety.