Lets get honest: fighting myself

I watch you as you sleep… Slowly breathing as you hug your teddy bear a bit closer. A smile plastered upon my face, God has blessed me with my children. As I scan the room the motherly instincts kick in, lift that leg back onto the bed and cover your sister with a blanket. She’s a ninja in her sleep fighting what I can only hope are lollipops and gum drops. I think about what your future holds for you, what do you want to be when you grow up; only hoping you’ll make leaps over the obstacles that seem to have kept your mother at a stand still.

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The day has been a bit of a blur by now, filled with questions like did I shampoo my hair or just condition it or did I just shampoo twice? As those five to ten minutes I’m trying to find myself the silent moment reminds me there will be but a nightmare awaiting when I step out of the steam. Brought to my attention will be another piece of art that wouldn’t have to be hung. A toilet full of bubbles or those toys I just organized made their way down stairs spread as a master piece on my to do list before bed. I’ve missed out on this a time or two… To be honest a lot. Working long hours I missed those moments of cuteness because if I say brats I will be scolded and told “They are just children”. It’s been about two months without work, dragging my right foot along. Waiting anxiously to go back to work I caught up on the “I love you”, hugs and kisses. Which of course came along with tantrums and puppy dog eyes; praying to God that I can get through the grocery store without the entire community noticing my frumpy clothes and messy bun. If anyone asks its laundry day!

Everyone always uses the line “everything happens for a reason” but do they ever actually know what it means? Well after this experience I’m embracing a lot more, putting myself in God’s hands and rolling with the plan that is more then what I can imagine. As many of my friends and family can tell I’ve embraced a bit more, praying more; which I know isn’t everyone’s life but for me it’s a sense of freedom. The weight on my shoulder’s has been drowning me as I stretched my arms out for some balance. I found that balance now, realizing I was drowning myself in my own demons. Pushing myself thinking I was doing the best for my daughters but missing out on everything that was important to them.

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Girls time, nail painting and story time we’re making up on. Burnt toast for breakfast and lets not get into dinner. Salad anyone? Trying a bit harder to be that motherly, wife type… It’s so not EASY! Early morning of rubbing my eyes as I scramble eggs, up late washing work and school clothes to be laid out on chairs and wondering what will be for lunch; my mind doesn’t shut off as I lay in bed. How do women do it as stay at home moms and wife’s I wonder… I find it a very impossible task to complete the dishes and make sure that the clothes finish washing, all while trying to cook a meal that will be delicious or edible to my five year old. Chicken nuggets and fries are not a meal I would like her to eat daily; branching her off seems like an obstacle on top of the many I already am playing in my head. These include most that are made up scenarios that lead my actions and words to speak on whole new levels that my heart doesn’t back up.

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Fighting these evils within my own mind, constantly putting myself down whether body image or work ethic along with life choices. Clearing my mind as I watch you sleep another night laying next to me as my keyboard clicks away; out of the corner of my eye I watch your hand reach for a safety to know I am near.

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How do we clear our minds to find peace? To fight against ourselves to remember we are our largest threat to ourselves, our relationships, happiness and over all life. Embrace the everything happens for a reason because I know if eight weeks ago I didn’t break my foot life maybe A LOT different and confronting some of the evils that was tearing my family apart may have never happened. At the end of the day count your blessings and in the morning remember it’s a new day to be a better you, go with the flow even though you have a plan there is greatness that is waiting for you around each corner. Though some doors may close you will be forced in a different direction know that you can make the best out of it which can lead to far better outcomes that you I’m sure may have never seen coming.

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